Suffering
Some seasons seem endless. My circumstances find me somewhat trapped in a cycle of suffering and chaos. Unlike normal people, I am unable to take pain meds and while that is good on one level, it means I am in constant search for relief. My bathroom and kitchen look like aisles from the self help section of Walmart. Creams, oils, patches, lotions, heat wraps, braces, antiseptic, gauze, band aids, massage mat and more. And I'm only 59. Packing to go anywhere these days requires an entire extra bag to carry all my paraphernalia. If it didn't hurt so much, it would be comical.
I try daily to find humour amidst my challenges and to be honest I do have plenty of material, but this morning could have very easily been the last straw if I had let it. My left knee is in agony awaiting a consultation for knee replacement surgery. My right knee is not far behind and my hips aren't fairing well either. Balance is an ongoing battle and the neck pain, for the time being seems untreatable. These are just a few of my ailments that make it hard to get dressed in the morning. Today, try as I might, I simply couldn't put weight on my right leg, and with my left knee acting up, putting on one's undergarments, resulted in a wrestling match without a promising outcome. Putting on one's knickers should not be painful. Next came my trousers. After much groaning and yelping I managed to get them on, only to find I had put them on backwards. I could feel the anger and frustration rising within me and in a frenzy of flailing and stumbling, I removed my trousers to begin the process all over again. So you can see, what is a simple task for most people, becomes a gargantuan effort for me, every, single, day.
Over the years I have been tempted to give up. Frequently, I find myself asking, “ What's the point?" It has become glaringly obvious that my illnesses are not improving and that each season brings new and unwanted obstacles.
So how do I cope with such extreme adversity? The things listed above are just a tiny sampling of what I am living through at the moment. There is so much more. I find some days overwhelming, but on those days, I have learnt to get as close to God as I possibly can. Psalm 61:1-3 talks about that very thing.
“Hear my cry, O God
Attend to my prayer.
From the end of the earth I cry to You,
When my heart is overwhelmed;
Lead me to the rock that is higher than I.”
God is so much bigger than my pain. May I never forget that it's my suffering that leads me to seek Him out for my comfort and my healing. He often does not remove any of it but always, always walks beside me through it. I could question the Almighty and His decisions, but honestly that makes the need for faith redundant. You see, God doesn't have to explain Himself to me. He doesn't answer to me. He's not my puppet on a string nor my robot attending to my every whim. Over the years I have shaken my fists and stamped my feet. I have wrung my hands and sobbed uncontrollably. I have yelled and huffed and wanted to throw a tantrum and yes, momentarily, I may have felt better, but usually the outbursts left me empty. The only thing that grounds me in these moments of utter agony, is the knowledge of who God is. He's Holy. He's Sovereign. He's Just. If you know Him to be those things, you really can trust Him in every single trial you find yourself in. I won't pretend my journey is easy, but I will say that Jesus makes the load a whole lot lighter when I give it to Him to carry.