My Weakness. His Strength.
Pain forces me from my bed once again. 2am turns into 4am and rest is anything but sweet. Nerves and muscles rattled at their plight, seek solace in the comfort of the recliner and an old heating pad. My ears scream with discomfort and I'm willing this deafening torture to cease its assault on my body. It's going to be another long day.
I'm trying to fill my mind with soothing music and comforting words but my body has another agenda in these quiet hours of the night. Not yet morning, I try desperately to relax and close my eyes in pursuit of a few more minutes of sleep. Like so many times before, it hides its face and seems to sneer mockingly from the ticking of the clock in the corner of the room.
No matter. I've been here before. The familiar, yet unwanted rhythm of my pain, calling the shots and setting the pace for my day ahead.
As I sit in the dark, my thoughts turn to Father God and my heart questions the reasons for these seasons of physical and mental turmoil. My flesh cries out that they serve no purpose at all but my spirit, timid and hesitant, knows there is a deeper meaning for my restless soul.
I sense I am not alone. Without speaking, He has entered the room and is waiting for me to acknowledge that I need Him. And I do. The road I travel is no place for a weary warrior to walk without company. I'm uncertain if He will speak or whether this is one of those times where He simply lets me know that He is here. I've stopped questioning His motives, after all He doesn't owe me anything. He has already given everything for me, and it is enough.
It's tempting in my days of frailty and vulnerability, to want answers to my difficult questions. It's not that God can't answer them, but more like I couldn't handle the answers. He knows exactly what is best for me and exactly what I need to know at any given point in my life. And He knows when it's too much for me to handle, that it's for me to let go of and lay at His feet. I believe God always gives me more than I can handle because I am meant to give it back and let Him carry it for me. Our pride keeps us in a place of striving and an unwillingness to surrender has us crushed under the weight of despair and independence.
So, like on countless days before, my heart simply waits, still, before the Holy One. No words are spoken but in this hallowed space of the moments before dawn, hope rises within once more. I am alive and because of that, my purpose is yet unfulfilled. God is not yet done and as He stands between the failures and disappointments of yesterday and the anticipation of today, I am grateful. Nothing is wasted. Nothing is in vain. Though tired from lack of sleep and physical suffering, the knowledge of God beckons me forward to start my day. Though my own strength is absent, I know in my heart that His grace is sufficient and His strength unlimited. I choose to press on, leaning on Him and relying on His complete faithfulness and abilities to help me through my day. In my weakness He is strong and in my total dependence on Him, He will be victorious in and through me today.