He’s In My Boat
The house is quiet except for the rumbling of the appliances and I find myself a tad melancholy and still before the Lord once more. The frailty of life stares me in the face, willing a confrontation that I simply won't give and the realization of my own mortality is glaring at me, begging the questions that no one can answer.
It seems I am caught between the promises of hope and the reality of disappointment. Faith demands a surrender to One that is higher than myself and yet flesh grapples with ongoing, seemingly unanswered prayers. It's a daily battle that has me questioning my own sanity and motives and yet, in the midst of each trial, I find new reserves of strength and stamina that I didn't know were there.
On this long journey heavenward, the vistas can seem elusive. Blistered egos and cramping opinions, find me weary and critical. It feels like I'm reading the wrong “map" and to be honest, there have been moments when I have doubted that I am even on the right path at all.
What I am discovering is that these feelings of utter weariness and disappointment are normal. For reasons known only to God, we must experience the highs and lows of our emotions, if for no other reason than to know the scope of possibility. Trust takes time. Trusting that God always, always has our best interests at heart means we have to build a relationship with Him. It's hard to trust someone whom you don't know. I have been pondering the story of the disciples in the boat when a violent storm came upon them, threatening their lives. Jesus was with them, but due to His human needs, He was resting and asleep in the boat. As the storm raged, the disciples got more and more fraught, even to the point of shaking Jesus awake and asking if He cared about them. Last week I was fraught too. I have been in an incredibly long season of loss and disappointment. I am tired and some days are more than I can bear alone. Praying and crying and calling out to God, I told Him that it felt like Jesus was asleep in my boat and I was about to die, or at the very least, be consumed by my battles. God let me have my pity party and after a few moments, I suddenly had a new perspective. Yes, I was in a storm, but JESUS WAS IN MY BOAT!!!!!!! Jesus! The Son of God, My Saviour, was right there with me!
In that instant of realization, the storm did not stop, nor the seas calm, but the knowledge of God grew and grew within me until it filled my whole “boat". Looking at Jesus, I could no longer see the storm, only Him. My struggles are still present, and I'm not foolish enough to think I won't have to battle disappointment ever again, but when you are facing this emotion square on, then it may be time to reset your focus. You may have to “wake" the faith within you and fix your eyes on something other than the storm.